toria1012

2007-10-07

AS THE TITLE SAYS, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK. OVER THE PAST FEW WEEK(S). SAD, DEPRESSING SONGS, THE MANY FRIENDS TO TALK TO, AND THE ADVICE SHOWS(YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) JUST DONT HELP AT ALL. WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT IS MY BELOVED JOSH. SOMETIMES I THINK THAT SOME THINGS BETWEEN US ARE REAL, WHILE OTHERS ARE NOT. YES, I KNOW, I SHOULD NOT BE THINKING SUCH THOUGHTS, ESPECIALLY IF I LOVE HIM AND TRUST HIM , BUT NO ONE IN THE WORLD CAN TRULY, ALL THE WAY, TRUST SOME ONE. THEY CANNOT “ALL THE WAY” GIVE THEIR ENTIRE HEART. I REALIZED THIS WHEN HE TELLS ME “I LOVE YOU” AND YET I HAVE TO ANALZYE EXACTLY WHY HE SAID IT AND IF HE MEANS IT. EVEN IF HE TELLS ME THAT HE TRULY DOES MEAN IT WITH ALL HIS HEART, I WONDER, AND I SAY NOTHING UNTIL I’M REALLY POSITIVE HE’S NOT JUST SAYING IT. OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK OR MAYBE TWO, HE HAS TOLD ME MANY THINGS THAT I THOUGHT NOT POSSIBLE. HE TOLD ME THAT WE’RE GOING TO LIVE TOGTHER, AND GET MARRIED, AND HAVE KIDS, AND MOVE TO ALL THESE PLACES, AND CONTINUE DOWN THE PATH OF TRUE LOVE. BUT AS WE KNOW”THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH”. AND EVERYTIME HE SAYS SUCH THINGS REGARDING TO OUR FUTURE, I BECOME QUIET BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE IN THE MOMENT, AND I WANT TO PICTURE US TOGETHER LIKE THAT. BUT WHEN HE HEARS THAT IM NOT TALKING, HE ASKS ME IF HE’S “SMOTHERING” ME. OF COURSE, I DENY SUCH FEELINGS BECAUSE HE’S NOT, AND I APPRECIATE HIM. I HAVE NEVER HEARD SOME ONE BE SO GOAL ORRIENTATED AND HAVE THE FEELING TO SAY THAT THEY WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIFE WITH ME. WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I LOVE HIM, WITH ALL MY HEART, AND I DONT WANT OT EVER LET HIM GO. I’M STARING TO WAKEUP EVERY MORNING THINKING HE’S RIGHT BESID ME, BUT I REMEMBER THAT THAT DOESNT COME FOR A FEW YEARS. AND ALL DAY, I CAN’T STOP SMILING. I NOW KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME FOR ME, AND NOT JUST CERTAIN ASPECTS OF ME. I WISH SO BADLY TO BE AS OPEN AS HE IS, BUT I KNOW, THAT AS WE GROW OLDER NOT JUST IN AGE BUT WISDOM, I WILL SOON BE MORE OPEN WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I WANT TO SPEN ETERNITY WITH HIM. IF ONLY IT WERE POSSIBLE. BUT KNOW I REALLY KNOW, I MUST WAIT FOR THE TRUE BEGINING OF OUR LOVE.♥

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