toria1012

2007-09-08

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. HIS NAME IS JOSHUA LAZARTE. HE STARTED OUT AS A FRIEND AND OVER A WHILE, BECAME ALOT MORE. HE ASKED ME OUT ONE DAY AND I ACCEPTED. I WANTED TO REALLY KNOW HIM. I WANTED US TO GET CLOSER…AND OVER A MATTER OF DAYS, WE DID. AFTER ABOUT TWO WEEKS, HE TOLD ME OVER THE INTERNET, VIA MAIL, THAT HE WANTED AND NEEEDED TO TELL ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT..IN PERSON.. SO I AGREED WITH EXCITMENT. I SOON REALIZED WHAT HE SAID HE NEEDED TO DO AND STARTED THINKING ABOUT IT FOR HOURS…I COULDNT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT…I WAS SO READY FOR THE NEXT DAY, ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO HANG OUT WITH HIM….ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO GET CLOSER THAN BEFORE. THE NEXT DAY CAME, AND I COULD BARELY WALK..I COULD BARELY TALK.. I WANTED TO SEE HIM SOOO BAD. I FINALLY SPOTTED HIM.. AND IMMEDIATLY MY HAND STARTED SHAKING(NOT VIOLENTLY THOUGH). HE WALKED TOWARDS ME WITH EASE AND USHERED ME TO SIT NEXT TO HIM.. I OBEYED AND SAT AS I WAS OFFERED AND LISTENED TO HIM INTENTLY. HE THEN MENTIONED THAT HE WANTED TO TELL ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT(AS MENTIONED THE NIGHT BEFORE). I SAID OKAY, TRYING NOT TO SHOW EMOTION(IT ISNT WORKING..LOL). HE SOON STARTED SAYING THAT OVER THE WEEKEND HE COULDNT STOP THINKING ABOUT ME. NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED TO GET ME OFF HIS MIND, HE COULDNT. HE THEN TOLD ME THAT HE REALIZED…THAT HE LOVED ME. THIS WAS AT TWO WEEKS, TAKE NOTICE. NORMALLY I WOULD BELIEVE THIS IS TOO EARLY, BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT IVE HAD THESE FEELINGS FOR HIM, LOVE, BUT I DIDNT KNOW IF IT WAS TOO EARLY, SO I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I CONFIDED IN MY FEELINGS TOO LATE, FOR HE EXCLAIMED HIS FIRST. I WAS HAPPY, I WAS STUNNED, I WAS MANY THINGS, BUT MOST OF ALL I FELT LOVED. I WAS LOVED. AND I AM LOVED.

TONITE, I HAD THE CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE WITH HIM. AT FIRST IT WAS A SUCKY CONVO. WE HAD OUR FIRST ARGUEMENT. I WAS UPSET, HE WAS ANGRY WITH ME. I WANTED IT ALL TO END FOR I DIDNT INTEND EVER TOO FIGHT WITH HIM. MID-CONVESATION, THE COLD, HARD TRUTH HE SPOKE OF, SUNK IN, AND I COULDNT RETAIN MY FEELINGS ANY LONGER: I CRIED. NOT TERRIBLY BUT I KNOW HE COULD HEAR IT OVER THE PHONE(NOTE: I WASNT AIMING FOR HIM TO HEAR ME CRY, IT JUST DID; IT WASNT SYMPATHETIC AT ALL) AND THEN AND THERE, HE STOPED SCOLDING ME, AND FOUND IT IN HIS HEART TO APOLOGIZE FOR ACTING SO CROSS WITH ME. AT ONCE, I TOLD HIM HE NEED NOT BE SORRY FOR IT WAS MY FAULT FOR BRINGING UP THE SUBJECT. IT WENT ON FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WITH JUST APOLOGIZING , FORGIVING, AND UNDERSTANING. WHEN WE FINALLY ENDED ALL CONFUSION, WE ENDED UP LAUGHING AT THE SITUATION, AND DECIDED NOT TO DWELL ON THAT “FIGHT” WE HAD. SO WE DIDNT. WE STARTED TALKING FOR A FEW MINUTES OR SO AND THEN I DID MY USUAL THINGS I DO WHEN IM ACTING WEIRD-LIKE. I WAS SINGING SONGS, TALKING TO MYSELF, REAHEARSING RANDOM MOVIE SCENES I ENJOYED, AND TOTALLY FORGOT HE WAS ON HE OTHER LINE PAITENTLY WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO TALK. SOON AFTER HE GOT FRUSTRATED, HE GRABBED AHOLD ONTO MY ATTENTION AND TOLD ME THAT HE WAS WORRIED AND SCARED. HE THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO BECOME ONE OF IS EX-GIRLFREINDS(PERSONALITY WISE NOT BECOME ONE AS IN BREAK UP). I THEN ASKED IF HE COULD EXPLAIN FURTHER. HE HESITATED AT FIRST BUT SOON DID. BUT BEFORE HE STARTED ON HIS STORY, HE MADE ME PROMISE I WOULD STILL FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HIM, THAT I WOULDNT JUDGE HIM BY HIS PASTLIFE. I ASSURED HIM THAT I WOULDNT JUDGE HIM BY ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES HIM. HE SAID OKAY AND STARTED ON HIS LIFE STORY, BEGINNING AT AGE NINE. HE PROGRESSED FROM THERE, TELLING ME TRAGEDY AFTER TRAGEDY. HE THEN GOT TO THE EX-GIRLFRIEND PART OF HIS AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. DURING HIS LIFE STORY, HE STATED A FEW THINGS THAT MADE ME THINK AT FIRST. I COULDNT HELP BUT CRY AT HIS HARSH WORDS, FOR NOW I KNEW ALL THE THINGS HE WENT THROUGH. ALL THE HELL HE HAD TO EXPERIENCE TO BE THE WAY HE IS NOW. I UNDERSTOOD COMPLETELY AND HE WAS APPALLED THAT I EVEN LISTENED. I UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE MENT, WHAT HE HAD TO ENCOUNTER UPON, ALL THE LIES AND DECEIT HE HAD IN HIS LIFE. HIS PAST LIFE REALLY F**KED HIM UP. NOW I KNEW MORE, I UNDERSTOOD WHY HE DID THE THINGS HE DID. WHY HE CRINGED AT LITTLE THINGS I WOULD DO BECAUSE I WAS BORED. THE REASON HE GOT INFURIATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SWORE A SILENT OATH TO MYSELF TO NEVER DO THOSES THINGS WITH HIM AGAIN. YES, I KNOW, LITTLE THINGS I DO ARE PETTY AND SHOULDNT MAKE PEOPLE CRINGE, BUT HE WAS F**CKED UP PYSCHOLOGICALY. HE WASNT RIGHT, WHICH IS WHY THINGS I DID, TO REMIND HIM OF HIS PAST, WERE CASTIGATED AT. HE DIDNT WANT ME TO BECOME THE GIRL HE THOUGHT HE KNEW. HE WANTED BETTER FOR ME. FOR HIM. HE DIDNT WANT TO LIVE THOUGH THE PAIN AGAIN. HA HAD ALREADY HAD ENOUGH. THEN HE SAID THAT HE WAS SHOWING ALOT OF AFFECTION, CARE, HEART AND PASSION, BUT HE WASNT GETTING ANY RETURNED TO HIM. HE FELT THAT IF HE DID SOMETHING ONE WAY, HE WOULD ACTUALLY GET AN “I LOVE YOU” INSTEAD OF BEING IGNORED. I IMMEDIATLY REALIZED THIS AND GAVE HIM ALL THE LOVE AND AFFETION THAT HE WANTED TO HEAR. THAT HE NEEDED TO HEAR. OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS TOUCHED AT MY GESTURE OF LOVE, FOR I HEARD HIM BREAK DOWN INTO TEARS. HE WAS OVER-WHELMED AND HE COULDNT PROLONG HIDING IT ANYMORE. I MYSELF GAVE INTO TO TEARS AFTER EVERY SENTENCE, EVERY HOPE, EVERY EXPECTATION, THAT I UTTERED TO HIM IN A SOFT VOICE(I COULD BARELY TALK FOR I WAS SO MOVED BY MY WORDS). I NOTICED THAT EVRYTIME HE WOULD CRY A LITTLE MORE, HE WOULD STATE THAT HE LOVED ME. AND I WOULD SHOW HIM LOVE BACK. OUR CALL ENDED AT A GOOD 2 HOURS AND 30 MINUTES. WE SPENT TWICE THE TIME AS WE NORMALLY WOULD ON THE PHONE. OUR CONVERSATION WAS BITTERSWEET, BUT  IT TAUGHT ME A LESSON, IT HELPED ME UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS THE WAY HE IS. WHY HE LOVES HIS STUDIES AND WHY HE CARES SO MUCH. I LEARNED MORE ABOUT HIM IN 2 HOURS THAN I WOULD HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. BUT NOW I KNOW I HAVE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO FIGURE HIM OUT MORE, FOR WE PLAN ON A GREAT FUTURE. TOGETHER. ♥

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